Now that it's safely behind me, I can honestly say that Friday night was one of the toughest and most sleepless nights I've ever had (and having three kids, I've certainly had plenty of sleepless nights). I didn't post anything yesterday because I thought it would be way too whiny and negative.

I had high hopes of giving Dave his meds at midnight and then sleeping for a few hours. Not a chance. The pump attached to his feeding tube stopped working (I could tell right away because it's so loud when it's running). The monitor was frozen and the keypad wouldn't work. I had to shut it down completely and reprogram it with the dose and the rate and start it again - 5 times over the next 4 hours. Turns out it was a problem with the battery not being charged fully which seems to have resolved itself now.

I know I fell asleep at least once because I woke up to the sound of Dave vomiting nasty bile on the bed and carpet (sorry if this is too descriptive for some of you, and sorry Dave if this is TMI). I spent the next 30 minutes cleaning and scrubbing. Then it was time for more meds and on and on until Molly came into our bedroom at 7 am insisting that I get up (and, obviously, I can't just pretend I'm in a deep sleep knowing Dave will get up with her which is what I used to do). It reminded me a lot of being home from the hospital with a new baby those first few weeks - except back then I had Dave to wake up with me and help with the nighttime burping and diaper changing. These nighttime tasks feel very lonely as Dave sleeps through some amount of it (for which I'm thankful) and is very groggy. I will say that when he's awake, he never fails to thank me for taking care of him.

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm bitching because that's really not how I feel. Taking care of Dave doesn't feel like a burden at all - it just feels like what needs to be done to get him to the next phase of his recovery. I really can't say enough times how brave he's been through all of this. He hardly ever complains about what he's going through, and I see firsthand every single day how much it sucks. I can't think of any better way to describe it than "it sucks". In fact, I don't think I've ever even said that and it feels rather cathartic just to say it. Yes, it sucks that Dave has cancer. It sucks big.

Ok, enough of my free therapy. Last night was much better than Friday night. I've gotten more competent with the tubes and hoses and drains and crushing pills for the j-tube, and so on.

We left the house for Dave's first outing today. It was to a big recliner store to see if he'd be more comfortable sleeping in a recliner. No dice. Then, we went to Sleep Country to check out adjustable beds, which seem like the better option. We had dropped Dave's sister Bessie off at Ikea with all the kids and when we went back there to pick them up, I parked in a disabled parking spot (there was no way Dave could walk the 9 miles from the regular Ikea parking to the store entrance). I figured if ever there was a time I felt justified parking in a disabled spot (I would never normally do it), this was it. Apparently, the officer who cited us didn't agree. Yes, it was an actual ticket, not just an Ikea citation. I talked to the friendly officer and explained the situation, but was told I should explain it to the judge in traffic court. I had visions of my foot, a nicely placed volley, and him rolling on the ground, but then I had visions of how useless I'd be to Dave and the kids in jail. Oh well, guess I'll tell it to the judge. And, I guess I'll ask Dave's doctor if we can get a disabled permit for the next month or so.

I'm also going to see if we can get some home nursing support for the next few weeks because as great as my job has been about letting me take time off (thank you, Jennifer), I am starting to feel like I need to get back to work at some point in the near future.

That's about it for tonight. Oh, except for all of you locals who keep asking how you can help out, here it is: you can take the kids out of the house for a while (one, two, or three at a time). It's really hard for Dave to sleep when the kids are running crazy in the house, and I can't leave to take them anywhere, so they end up watching way more TV than I would usually allow. Anyway, that's it - call, take the kids someplace cool for the afternoon, and you'll be our hero!